HeyYouRed

the sandwich went to my head

i wondered if i’d see another highway

I’ve never had what you would call a traditional, functioning relationship with anyone. My mother, boyfriends, brother…

Aside from my daughters, I’ve honestly never really felt close enough to someone to have a healthy relationship. My mom, and I love her, seems to lack the maternal gene necessary to treat me like a daughter. While she has repeatedly through the years told me the many aspects of her life in which she sacrificed for my betterment, it pretty much diluted whatever point she was trying to make at that particular moment.

To me, giving up something for your child isn’t a sacrifice. It’s what being a parent is. Plain and simple and to the point. It’s the role you take on when you choose to have children. You give unselfishly and work endlessly and you don’t keep a tally. It’s not a contest. It’s a life YOU brought into this world and it’s YOUR responsibility to shape them, give them the best you can, and make them ready to stand upright when the world inevitably takes too much and knocks them on their ass. It’s your duty to make sure they get the hell back up and hit harder.

I didn’t get that.

At all.

And because of that, my relationship with my mother is in a place where I’m not sure it can ever be fully mended. Because of her, I’ve grown to resent my brother who has done absolutely nothing but be able to live his life and have a family. That’s not to say I don’t love him. I do. I love him, my sister in law, my amazing nephews. But she gave him that. No complaint. And that’s what she won’t give to me.

Last November, through her actions (and my own, if I’m being honest), I was forced to find a second job. And through that I found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Who wants to marry me. Who treats me and my daughters better than I could have ever imagined. With the three of them, and a few close friends that are like brothers, I’m getting the family that I never had.

So, all that to say something I can’t say to her face.

Mom,

I’m letting go of whatever resentment/anger I have toward you. It’s not worth it. I hope in the future you find something that makes you happy. Something to make the past 15 years worth it. Even if it isn’t me. And I want to thank you, because no matter your shortcomings and faults; the things you have(n’t) done have led me to where I am and the people I have now. And that deserves a mention.

July 14, 2011 Posted by | don't look back, oversharing, random | 1 Comment