the sandwich went to my head

What Do I Get

So I’ve been trying out this whole internet dating horror show.

I know. Believe me, I know.

I haven’t gone on any dates since it seems the only guys I’m able to keep a conversation with are out of state. Go figure, yeah?

I don’t know why I decided to do it. I guess I’m just… lonely. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are like family and I’d do anything for them. Anything. All they’d need to do is ask and I’d come running. And I hope that despite not being able to hang out with them anywhere near as much as I’d like, they feel the same way.

This whole being a single mother gig is nothing like how I imagined it. But I was slowly finding my way through it. Then through a series of glaringly obvious bad mistakes, I found myself stuck without a job, pregnant (again), and with someone who I didn’t love. At all. Not to say I didn’t give it a go. I tried. I really did. Went so far as to half heartedly agree to marry him when I never wanted to get married. Not even to someone I love, least of all to him. But his problems and my unwillingness be the scapegoat, the fall guy for them, ended that pretty quickly.

Now I have my mother living with me so I can help her out, two children, a crap retail job, and money problems so bad that I can’t sleep at night.

All this to say that while there is a guy on that ridiculous dating site whom I could see myself really wanting to know, date, be with, I think I’m going to have to end it. I’m torn because of how well we get on. We’ve been talking almost every night for close to two months. He’s funny, sweet, has a daughter, sarcastic, completely inappropriate in all the best ways…

But it was stupid of me to think I could have the time and the state of mind to deal with one more person needing attention, needing me. Or have the stomach to give one more person the chance to break my heart. I’m still not fully over what happened between my first ex (whom I dated let’s see, not once, not twice, but three fucking times, despite knowing we’re no good for each other). I set myself up in every single relationship I’ve ever had. And I can’t do it again. Not with three people who rely on me to sort out all these messes that keep showing up.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this for everyone to see instead of just dealing with it on my own. I just needed to talk about it to someone/something before I completely lose it. And since this blank page doesn’t talk, doesn’t judge me and tell me how insane I’m being… it seemed like as good a place as any.


August 31, 2010 Posted by | awkward, bills bills bills, idiotic, oversharing, why am i still awake | , , , , | 3 Comments

99 Problems

I’ll start this off with the fact that I hate money.

I know. Everyone says that. Everyone, especially now, is having a fuck of a time. Bills have to be paid. Kids need diapers and food. Cars don’t run without gas. My problems in no way take more precedence than any other family trying to keep everything together. Trying not to sink under this never ending weight of feeling like you’re working your ass off, day after day, never seeing the people you’re doing it for, and for what?

The red envelopes still show up in the mail.

The phone still rings for an answer and your routing number.

The library remains the last outing that’s affordable. Though at this point, it resembles more closely a broken down sales outlet that barely captures the images of the place I felt was a second home.

I’m not writing this for sympathy or as a plea for help. I’m writing this because more than once, shit, more than i can count, I have felt utterly alone in this flailing to keep everything okay. Keep everything normal. ¬†And I know there have to be others out there that feel the same way. Regardless of if they talk about it or not.

So, I’m throwing this out there. Feel free to comment and commiserate and bitch. Or, just read this and know that you’re not alone. There are others trying, pushing, shoving. And we’re all going to get out of this at some point. There may be some scars, but seriously, wear those motherfuckers with pride. This is warfare and you got out alive.

Besides, everyone knows war wounds are way cooler than tribal tattoos. *They can also get you free beer.

*Free beer not guaranteed.

August 19, 2010 Posted by | ...but a bitch ain't one, awkward, bills bills bills, obligatory rant, oversharing | , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments