HeyYouRed

the sandwich went to my head

i wondered if i’d see another highway

I’ve never had what you would call a traditional, functioning relationship with anyone. My mother, boyfriends, brother…

Aside from my daughters, I’ve honestly never really felt close enough to someone to have a healthy relationship. My mom, and I love her, seems to lack the maternal gene necessary to treat me like a daughter. While she has repeatedly through the years told me the many aspects of her life in which she sacrificed for my betterment, it pretty much diluted whatever point she was trying to make at that particular moment.

To me, giving up something for your child isn’t a sacrifice. It’s what being a parent is. Plain and simple and to the point. It’s the role you take on when you choose to have children. You give unselfishly and work endlessly and you don’t keep a tally. It’s not a contest. It’s a life YOU brought into this world and it’s YOUR responsibility to shape them, give them the best you can, and make them ready to stand upright when the world inevitably takes too much and knocks them on their ass. It’s your duty to make sure they get the hell back up and hit harder.

I didn’t get that.

At all.

And because of that, my relationship with my mother is in a place where I’m not sure it can ever be fully mended. Because of her, I’ve grown to resent my brother who has done absolutely nothing but be able to live his life and have a family. That’s not to say I don’t love him. I do. I love him, my sister in law, my amazing nephews. But she gave him that. No complaint. And that’s what she won’t give to me.

Last November, through her actions (and my own, if I’m being honest), I was forced to find a second job. And through that I found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Who wants to marry me. Who treats me and my daughters better than I could have ever imagined. With the three of them, and a few close friends that are like brothers, I’m getting the family that I never had.

So, all that to say something I can’t say to her face.

Mom,

I’m letting go of whatever resentment/anger I have toward you. It’s not worth it. I hope in the future you find something that makes you happy. Something to make the past 15 years worth it. Even if it isn’t me. And I want to thank you, because no matter your shortcomings and faults; the things you have(n’t) done have led me to where I am and the people I have now. And that deserves a mention.

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July 14, 2011 Posted by | don't look back, oversharing, random | 1 Comment

We? Are NOT a team.

You used to clean up nice. Later, I would be lucky if the t-shirt you threw on wasn’t slept on by a cat.

I hated when you would call me “baby” or “sweetheart”. It always seemed like such a default.

Whenever I realized I was late calling you, I’d start agonizing over what you would say to me this time.

There are times I want to kick myself in the ass for ever getting lonely enough to talk to you that first night.

I tried to love you. I really did.

There just wasn’t anything there.

When I realized that I didn’t have any photos of the two of us together, relief was the resounding feeling.

I expected everyone to say “I told you so”. They didn’t. But they did listen. Endlessly. Thank you.

Every fight, I was waiting, wondering when that first punch was going to be.

Wondering if it would ever come was worse than if you would have just gone ahead and done it.

I cowed down to you for reasons that I haven’t been able to figure out yet.

I stood up to you for reasons I never should have lost in the first place.

Late night, injured, hysterical, drunk phone calls? No.

Stalking my every move that you can find? No.

Just because I left before your fist finally got sick of hitting everything/one else, doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse.

You made me ask for money that you offered me. Promised me. Money that I did not ask for. That I did not want. That I would not have needed if not for you.

Looking back now, a tent on the corner of the street would have been preferable.

You took my friends.

You took my ideas.

You tried to take my identity.

Lucky for me, I’m a stubborn bitch.

You said things, did things, made up things (and continue to do so) that I refuse to waste any more thought or time on.

I walked away from them.

I walked away from you.

With a limp and a smile.

The only time you’re happy is when you’re the superior in the relationship. When you can make the other person feel inadequate.

Regardless of what you think, there was/is absolutely nothing I want to learn from you.

It’s taken me close to a year to get even marginally back to the person I was before I got tangled up in the mess that is you.

I finally see what I’m capable of.

That thread between us? The one and only thing we share? I’m making it my life’s goal that she is never made to feel, to think, that she is nothing. Miniscule. Worthless if not by someone’s side, obedient like a pet.

She will be better than you.

Better than me.

I am making sure that she will never be in the position that I was in with you.

Ever.

September 25, 2010 Posted by | abuse is abuse is abuse, don't look back, oversharing, Uncategorized, why am i still awake | , , | 1 Comment