HeyYouRed

the sandwich went to my head

i wondered if i’d see another highway

I’ve never had what you would call a traditional, functioning relationship with anyone. My mother, boyfriends, brother…

Aside from my daughters, I’ve honestly never really felt close enough to someone to have a healthy relationship. My mom, and I love her, seems to lack the maternal gene necessary to treat me like a daughter. While she has repeatedly through the years told me the many aspects of her life in which she sacrificed for my betterment, it pretty much diluted whatever point she was trying to make at that particular moment.

To me, giving up something for your child isn’t a sacrifice. It’s what being a parent is. Plain and simple and to the point. It’s the role you take on when you choose to have children. You give unselfishly and work endlessly and you don’t keep a tally. It’s not a contest. It’s a life YOU brought into this world and it’s YOUR responsibility to shape them, give them the best you can, and make them ready to stand upright when the world inevitably takes too much and knocks them on their ass. It’s your duty to make sure they get the hell back up and hit harder.

I didn’t get that.

At all.

And because of that, my relationship with my mother is in a place where I’m not sure it can ever be fully mended. Because of her, I’ve grown to resent my brother who has done absolutely nothing but be able to live his life and have a family. That’s not to say I don’t love him. I do. I love him, my sister in law, my amazing nephews. But she gave him that. No complaint. And that’s what she won’t give to me.

Last November, through her actions (and my own, if I’m being honest), I was forced to find a second job. And through that I found the man I want to spend the rest of my life with. Who wants to marry me. Who treats me and my daughters better than I could have ever imagined. With the three of them, and a few close friends that are like brothers, I’m getting the family that I never had.

So, all that to say something I can’t say to her face.

Mom,

I’m letting go of whatever resentment/anger I have toward you. It’s not worth it. I hope in the future you find something that makes you happy. Something to make the past 15 years worth it. Even if it isn’t me. And I want to thank you, because no matter your shortcomings and faults; the things you have(n’t) done have led me to where I am and the people I have now. And that deserves a mention.

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July 14, 2011 Posted by | don't look back, oversharing, random | 1 Comment

And this is why I’m single. No, seriously.

I swear to baby Jesus, I’ll have something actually resembling a post up on Monday. But until then, enjoy the hot mess that is my dating profile. I await the laughing.

*******************************

My Self-Summary:

I’m really awkward when I have to talk about myself, so making a list seemed like the way to go. Kind of detached. I know. But it makes sense to me.

* No one ever comes before my girls. Ever. That includes you.

* On that note, I have two little girls and I’m fiercely protective of them. That’s why you won’t see me talking about them on here.

* I hoard chapstick and lipgloss.

* I am always up for building forts. No joke. And if there is alcohol and listening to records involved, you’re going to have a hard time getting rid of me.

* I’m a firm believer in the following two facts: you can NEVER have too many books, records are NOT obsolete.

*There’s a soft spot in my heart for old lonesome Country, whiskey drinking Irish, soul burning Motown, dirt road driving Classic Rock, and breaking shit Punk. What can I say? I have layers.

* Johnny Cash, June Carter, Bettie Page, and Marilyn Monroe also have a place in there.

* You know those crossword puzzle books that CVS and Walgreens carry? The ones that all the old ladies buy? I have about a hundred of them. And I can never find them when I get that crosswordin’ urge.

Ed. Note: I don’t crotchet, wax poetic about the “good ole days”, or keep hard candy in my purse. I do however steal sugar packets.

* My dream car is a black ’67 Chevy Impala. Black leather interior. And no, you can’t drive it.

* Haven’t driven one, but I do miss riding on scooters. All time favorite would have to be a Series I TV175 Lambretta. Almost beats out the Impala. Almost.

* I also miss crashing mopeds that don’t belong to me.

* I’m from Maryland, but stuck in Arizona. I wish to change this post haste.

* I curse like a sailor. Because it’s fun and sometimes fucking necessary.

* Forensics, Behavioral Science, Anthropology, Crime Scene Investigation, Bloodstain Pattern Analysis… I’m obsessed with all of them and trying to decide which to go forward with as a career.

* It almost always takes me about 10x longer than it should when searching through my purse for something seeing as how it resembles Ally Sheedy’s circa The Breakfast Club.

* If you’re looking for insane amounts of useless trivia/knowledge, you’ve found the right girl. Because I have it. In droves. Right where simple algebra should be residing.

* I love comic books, video games, and horror movies. Unapologetically.

* I was vegan for a few years, but the gutwrenching separation from cheese was too much for me to bear.

* I’m not super girly, so if I come around all prettied up, it’s more than likely for you. Act accordingly.

* I chop my hair off without any notice. Which I may have done. Just now. I also might have cut it too short. Oh, god.

*On an unrelated note, I’ll just be over here in the corner crying. Carry on.

* Coffee is my love. Vodka Tonic, Sweet Tea, Coconut Water, Jack and Coke, Diet Pepsi run not far behind.

What I’m doing with my life:

Raising my daughters, taking care of my mom, working, attempting school, and trying not to end up in the poor house. Okay, poorer house.

I’m really good at:

Cooking. Singing. Video games. Blushing. Knowing by the first note exactly what song just came on the radio. Drinking a pot of coffee and going through a pack of cigarettes. Making mixed c.d.’s. Leaving the house unknowingly covered in paint/ink/charcoals. Wasting hours on Wikipedia. Mom-ming it up. Sarcasm. Dying my hair. Squeeing whenever I see Loretta Lynn in one of her big, pink dresses. Convincing people I know what the hell I’m doing. Yelling at the TV when Molly Ringwald ruins two perfectly awesome dresses to make a goddamn pink trash bag from hell! Ahem. See? Lots of other things I’m positive I’m forgetting right now.

The first things people usually notice about me:

Usually my hair. Then the sarcasm.

My favorite books, movies, music, and food:

Favorite authors: Bret Easton Ellis, Hunter S. Thompson, Pablo Neruda, Alice Hoffman, Jim Goad, Henry Rollins, Jimmy Lee Shreeve, Garth Ennis, David Lapham, Kurt Vonnegut, Daniel Clowes…

Movies: Anything from Horror to Indie, Sci-Fi to Foreign.

Food: Mediterranean, Chinese, Japanese

Music: 70’s & 80’s Rock, Rockabilly, Blues, Country (Johnny Cash, Patsy Cline…)

TV: X-Files, Doctor Who, Burn Notice, Dexter, Bones, Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Secret Diary of a Call Girl, Dead Like Me, Supernatural, Wonderfalls, Pushing Daisies, The Young Ones, Firefly, Absolutely Fabulous, True Blood (SOOKEHHHH)…..

The six things I could never do without:

1. My girls
2. Music
3. Coffee
4. Veggies
5. Sleep
6. Books

I spend a lot of time thinking about:

The neverending avalanche of ridiculous responsibilities that come with being an adult. Also? Pegasi.

On a typical Friday night I am:

Either hanging out with my daughters, passed out on the couch missing the movie I was staying up for, having a drink with friends.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit:

Marriage is definitely not something I want.

October 16, 2010 Posted by | dana 2.0, idiotic, internet dating, oversharing, random | , , , | Leave a comment

because i am a sheep… baaah

My brain seems to be on full lockdown. Since everyone else is doing this and I have nothing better to write about at the moment, I’m joining the horde.

No, that wasn’t a World of Warcraft reference.

Get on with it already, Dana.

Bloody ingrates.

30 Days of Truth: Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I’m going to avoid anything appearance related. That’s too easy. Everybody hates something about the way they look.

I hate how easily I trust people. I hate that I don’t have it in me to trust anyone anymore. I’m literally wary of everyone I meet. I always double/triple/infinity mentally check what I tell to all except about 5 people.

After being screwed over so many times, you don’t get wounds anymore. You just have the same bruises all day, every day. I got tired of looking beat up, so I just stopped talking. About anything.

It’s incredibly exhausting. Frustrating. And goddamn, it’s really fucking lonely.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

October 14, 2010 Posted by | 30 Days of Truth, oversharing, random, stop talking, why am i still awake | Leave a comment

More Than This

I know I haven’t been writing here as much as I should. In fact, I’ve been actively avoiding it.

A lot has been going on and I just can’t seem to get up the energy to write about it. When you’re living in a fucked up situation, writing it all down and having it stare you in the face in pretty much tantamount to getting bitchslapped and then being kicked while you’re down. Getting pantsed and watching your glasses get crushed. Four-eyes.

Monetarily, things are still the same, if not worse. If an antiques broker doesn’t buy a good amount of our belongings tomorrow morning, we have to move. Where, when, and how, I still have no clue. I mean, if you can’t pay your rent, chances are you can’t afford to move anywhere. Where have all the hippie communes gone?

I’m still worried about the custody hearing. Apparently in Arizona, even if your ex has a mile-long record of disturbing shit, nobody helps you until something happens to your kid. Comforting thought, no?

I’m trying to keep my cool and stay focused and on top of things, but when you’re drowning day after day under the pressure of making everything right it gets to be too much. Just getting up and going to work is a battle.

I haven’t written because I don’t want this place to be a record of my failures as a mother. As a woman. As a human being. But it doesn’t feel right to only post about music and dating sites and making forts.

This is my place. And I guess I’m going to have to get used to it showing all of me. Even the stumbles. Especially those.

So here I am. Let the renovating begin.

October 2, 2010 Posted by | awkward, oversharing, stop talking | 2 Comments

We? Are NOT a team.

You used to clean up nice. Later, I would be lucky if the t-shirt you threw on wasn’t slept on by a cat.

I hated when you would call me “baby” or “sweetheart”. It always seemed like such a default.

Whenever I realized I was late calling you, I’d start agonizing over what you would say to me this time.

There are times I want to kick myself in the ass for ever getting lonely enough to talk to you that first night.

I tried to love you. I really did.

There just wasn’t anything there.

When I realized that I didn’t have any photos of the two of us together, relief was the resounding feeling.

I expected everyone to say “I told you so”. They didn’t. But they did listen. Endlessly. Thank you.

Every fight, I was waiting, wondering when that first punch was going to be.

Wondering if it would ever come was worse than if you would have just gone ahead and done it.

I cowed down to you for reasons that I haven’t been able to figure out yet.

I stood up to you for reasons I never should have lost in the first place.

Late night, injured, hysterical, drunk phone calls? No.

Stalking my every move that you can find? No.

Just because I left before your fist finally got sick of hitting everything/one else, doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse.

You made me ask for money that you offered me. Promised me. Money that I did not ask for. That I did not want. That I would not have needed if not for you.

Looking back now, a tent on the corner of the street would have been preferable.

You took my friends.

You took my ideas.

You tried to take my identity.

Lucky for me, I’m a stubborn bitch.

You said things, did things, made up things (and continue to do so) that I refuse to waste any more thought or time on.

I walked away from them.

I walked away from you.

With a limp and a smile.

The only time you’re happy is when you’re the superior in the relationship. When you can make the other person feel inadequate.

Regardless of what you think, there was/is absolutely nothing I want to learn from you.

It’s taken me close to a year to get even marginally back to the person I was before I got tangled up in the mess that is you.

I finally see what I’m capable of.

That thread between us? The one and only thing we share? I’m making it my life’s goal that she is never made to feel, to think, that she is nothing. Miniscule. Worthless if not by someone’s side, obedient like a pet.

She will be better than you.

Better than me.

I am making sure that she will never be in the position that I was in with you.

Ever.

September 25, 2010 Posted by | abuse is abuse is abuse, don't look back, oversharing, Uncategorized, why am i still awake | , , | 1 Comment

i want to take you far from the cynics in this town

For those of you who don’t know me, and therefore think I’m amazingly witty and charming, (Shh, you don’t have to say it. I know.) there’s a lot you don’t know. While as of now, I’m still kind of feeling this whole blog thing out and am more than willing to share things and embarrass the hell out of myself, I’m kind of iffy on what I’ll share about the girls.

E. is three years old (four in February) and F. is about nine months old (one in December). Since I’m already going to be hiding out in a closet with a carton of cigarettes and a fifth of vodka when they finally hit puberty and thus begin their alliance against me; I’d rather it not involve bludgeoning me to death over some cute (Pudgey goodness!) photos of them while talking about how E. would hide in various corners in whatever store we happened to be in so she could poop in private (She was wearing diapers. I’m not that bad of a mother. When I remember to buy them).

Oops.

So! Here are some random thing about myself.

(I’m amazing at run-on sentences)

1. When I was younger, I wanted to run away with a pirate.
2. Preferably, an attractive one.
3. With all his teeth.
4. I still can’t sleep with my feet outside of the blanket.
5. I’ve never dreamt about getting married.
6. And I still don’t.
7. I get in a funk when I don’t have my hair red.
8. I just do.
9. There are certain articles of clothing I can never wear again because he loved them on me.
10. But I still haven’t gotten rid of them.
11. I feel like a traitor when I have to eventually throw away a pair of chucks.
12. I never want my girls to be normal.
13. I want them to be themselves.
14. Whoever that may be.
15. I’ve been in a few fights.
16. With both girls and boys.
17. I’m not proud.
18. Except for that time with the guy in South Carolina.
19. What? He grabbed my ass.
20. Music has the ability to break my heart.
21. But in the best possible way.
22. I used to be a singer.
23. I am told I was really great.
24. You mess with friends, you mess with me.
25. Understood?
26. I was fat until I was 17.
27. I was a virgin until I was 18.
28. No one rush to figure that one out.
29. When I love someone, they have all of me.
30. Unfortunately, that has yet to be reciprocated.
31. I have this all-consuming fear of being ordinary.
32. I make mistakes.
33. Lots of them.
34. I’m working on that.
35. I once broke up with someone because he told me I had too many books.
36. I drink far too much coffee.
37. No, seriously.
38. I’m not quite sure where I’m heading.
39. It’s the best/worst feeling in the world.
40. There are pictures floating around of me wearing a Princess shirt with glitter eyeshadow.
41. In overalls.
42. Shut up.
43. I have never cheated on a significant other.
44. I like to dip pickle chips in ketchup.
45. I was a child model.
46. It was short-lived.
47. I used to wait until my ex would go to work and then play video games all day.
48. In my underwear.
49. It was every bit as awesome as it sounds.
50. I still make forts.

September 12, 2010 Posted by | oversharing, random, stop talking, why am i still awake | 2 Comments

What Do I Get

So I’ve been trying out this whole internet dating horror show.

I know. Believe me, I know.

I haven’t gone on any dates since it seems the only guys I’m able to keep a conversation with are out of state. Go figure, yeah?

I don’t know why I decided to do it. I guess I’m just… lonely. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are like family and I’d do anything for them. Anything. All they’d need to do is ask and I’d come running. And I hope that despite not being able to hang out with them anywhere near as much as I’d like, they feel the same way.

This whole being a single mother gig is nothing like how I imagined it. But I was slowly finding my way through it. Then through a series of glaringly obvious bad mistakes, I found myself stuck without a job, pregnant (again), and with someone who I didn’t love. At all. Not to say I didn’t give it a go. I tried. I really did. Went so far as to half heartedly agree to marry him when I never wanted to get married. Not even to someone I love, least of all to him. But his problems and my unwillingness be the scapegoat, the fall guy for them, ended that pretty quickly.

Now I have my mother living with me so I can help her out, two children, a crap retail job, and money problems so bad that I can’t sleep at night.

All this to say that while there is a guy on that ridiculous dating site whom I could see myself really wanting to know, date, be with, I think I’m going to have to end it. I’m torn because of how well we get on. We’ve been talking almost every night for close to two months. He’s funny, sweet, has a daughter, sarcastic, completely inappropriate in all the best ways…

But it was stupid of me to think I could have the time and the state of mind to deal with one more person needing attention, needing me. Or have the stomach to give one more person the chance to break my heart. I’m still not fully over what happened between my first ex (whom I dated let’s see, not once, not twice, but three fucking times, despite knowing we’re no good for each other). I set myself up in every single relationship I’ve ever had. And I can’t do it again. Not with three people who rely on me to sort out all these messes that keep showing up.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this for everyone to see instead of just dealing with it on my own. I just needed to talk about it to someone/something before I completely lose it. And since this blank page doesn’t talk, doesn’t judge me and tell me how insane I’m being… it seemed like as good a place as any.

August 31, 2010 Posted by | awkward, bills bills bills, idiotic, oversharing, why am i still awake | , , , , | 3 Comments

Eye Oh Ewe

I may have promised several dozen people on Twitter that there would be a video last night.

I also may have fallen asleep on my laptop while watching Michael and Fiona blowing things up all sexy like. If it’s any consolation, I totally drooled everywhere.

Heading into work now, but I swear to the almighty caffeine god, there will be a video tonight. And yes, it will more than likely be embarrassing. You’re welcome.

Also also: Send me some ridiculous stuff to talk about tonight ( I’m looking at you, Amato). Anything. Everything. I’ll perform for you like a little mechanical monkey with cymbals. Only, less furry. Most of the time.

August 24, 2010 Posted by | oversharing, stop talking, swearsies | , , , , | Leave a comment

99 Problems

I’ll start this off with the fact that I hate money.

I know. Everyone says that. Everyone, especially now, is having a fuck of a time. Bills have to be paid. Kids need diapers and food. Cars don’t run without gas. My problems in no way take more precedence than any other family trying to keep everything together. Trying not to sink under this never ending weight of feeling like you’re working your ass off, day after day, never seeing the people you’re doing it for, and for what?

The red envelopes still show up in the mail.

The phone still rings for an answer and your routing number.

The library remains the last outing that’s affordable. Though at this point, it resembles more closely a broken down sales outlet that barely captures the images of the place I felt was a second home.

I’m not writing this for sympathy or as a plea for help. I’m writing this because more than once, shit, more than i can count, I have felt utterly alone in this flailing to keep everything okay. Keep everything normal.  And I know there have to be others out there that feel the same way. Regardless of if they talk about it or not.

So, I’m throwing this out there. Feel free to comment and commiserate and bitch. Or, just read this and know that you’re not alone. There are others trying, pushing, shoving. And we’re all going to get out of this at some point. There may be some scars, but seriously, wear those motherfuckers with pride. This is warfare and you got out alive.

Besides, everyone knows war wounds are way cooler than tribal tattoos. *They can also get you free beer.

*Free beer not guaranteed.

August 19, 2010 Posted by | ...but a bitch ain't one, awkward, bills bills bills, obligatory rant, oversharing | , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments