HeyYouRed

the sandwich went to my head

because i am a sheep… baaah

My brain seems to be on full lockdown. Since everyone else is doing this and I have nothing better to write about at the moment, I’m joining the horde.

No, that wasn’t a World of Warcraft reference.

Get on with it already, Dana.

Bloody ingrates.

30 Days of Truth: Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.

I’m going to avoid anything appearance related. That’s too easy. Everybody hates something about the way they look.

I hate how easily I trust people. I hate that I don’t have it in me to trust anyone anymore. I’m literally wary of everyone I meet. I always double/triple/infinity mentally check what I tell to all except about 5 people.

After being screwed over so many times, you don’t get wounds anymore. You just have the same bruises all day, every day. I got tired of looking beat up, so I just stopped talking. About anything.

It’s incredibly exhausting. Frustrating. And goddamn, it’s really fucking lonely.

Day 01 → Something you hate about yourself.
Day 02 → Something you love about yourself.
Day 03 → Something you have to forgive yourself for.
Day 04 → Something you have to forgive someone for.
Day 05 → Something you hope to do in your life.
Day 06 → Something you hope you never have to do.
Day 07 → Someone who has made your life worth living for.
Day 08 → Someone who made your life hell, or treated you like shit.
Day 09 → Someone you didn’t want to let go, but just drifted.
Day 10 → Someone you need to let go, or wish you didn’t know.
Day 11 → Something people seem to compliment you the most on.
Day 12 → Something you never get compliments on.
Day 13 → A band or artist that has gotten you through some tough ass days. (write a letter.)
Day 14 → A hero that has let you down. (letter)
Day 15 → Something or someone you couldn’t live without, because you’ve tried living without it.
Day 16 → Someone or something you definitely could live without.
Day 17 → A book you’ve read that changed your views on something.
Day 18 → Your views on gay marriage.
Day 19 → What do you think of religion? Or what do you think of politics?
Day 20 → Your views on drugs and alcohol.
Day 21 → (scenario) Your best friend is in a car accident and you two got into a fight an hour before. What do you do?
Day 22 → Something you wish you hadn’t done in your life.
Day 23 → Something you wish you had done in your life.
Day 24 → Make a playlist to someone, and explain why you chose all the songs. (Just post the titles and artists and letter)
Day 25 → The reason you believe you’re still alive today.
Day 26 → Have you ever thought about giving up on life? If so, when and why?
Day 27 → What’s the best thing going for you right now?
Day 28 → What if you were pregnant or got someone pregnant, what would you do?
Day 29 → Something you hope to change about yourself. And why.
Day 30 → A letter to yourself, tell yourself EVERYTHING you love about yourself

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October 14, 2010 Posted by | 30 Days of Truth, oversharing, random, stop talking, why am i still awake | Leave a comment

We? Are NOT a team.

You used to clean up nice. Later, I would be lucky if the t-shirt you threw on wasn’t slept on by a cat.

I hated when you would call me “baby” or “sweetheart”. It always seemed like such a default.

Whenever I realized I was late calling you, I’d start agonizing over what you would say to me this time.

There are times I want to kick myself in the ass for ever getting lonely enough to talk to you that first night.

I tried to love you. I really did.

There just wasn’t anything there.

When I realized that I didn’t have any photos of the two of us together, relief was the resounding feeling.

I expected everyone to say “I told you so”. They didn’t. But they did listen. Endlessly. Thank you.

Every fight, I was waiting, wondering when that first punch was going to be.

Wondering if it would ever come was worse than if you would have just gone ahead and done it.

I cowed down to you for reasons that I haven’t been able to figure out yet.

I stood up to you for reasons I never should have lost in the first place.

Late night, injured, hysterical, drunk phone calls? No.

Stalking my every move that you can find? No.

Just because I left before your fist finally got sick of hitting everything/one else, doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse.

You made me ask for money that you offered me. Promised me. Money that I did not ask for. That I did not want. That I would not have needed if not for you.

Looking back now, a tent on the corner of the street would have been preferable.

You took my friends.

You took my ideas.

You tried to take my identity.

Lucky for me, I’m a stubborn bitch.

You said things, did things, made up things (and continue to do so) that I refuse to waste any more thought or time on.

I walked away from them.

I walked away from you.

With a limp and a smile.

The only time you’re happy is when you’re the superior in the relationship. When you can make the other person feel inadequate.

Regardless of what you think, there was/is absolutely nothing I want to learn from you.

It’s taken me close to a year to get even marginally back to the person I was before I got tangled up in the mess that is you.

I finally see what I’m capable of.

That thread between us? The one and only thing we share? I’m making it my life’s goal that she is never made to feel, to think, that she is nothing. Miniscule. Worthless if not by someone’s side, obedient like a pet.

She will be better than you.

Better than me.

I am making sure that she will never be in the position that I was in with you.

Ever.

September 25, 2010 Posted by | abuse is abuse is abuse, don't look back, oversharing, Uncategorized, why am i still awake | , , | 1 Comment

i want to take you far from the cynics in this town

For those of you who don’t know me, and therefore think I’m amazingly witty and charming, (Shh, you don’t have to say it. I know.) there’s a lot you don’t know. While as of now, I’m still kind of feeling this whole blog thing out and am more than willing to share things and embarrass the hell out of myself, I’m kind of iffy on what I’ll share about the girls.

E. is three years old (four in February) and F. is about nine months old (one in December). Since I’m already going to be hiding out in a closet with a carton of cigarettes and a fifth of vodka when they finally hit puberty and thus begin their alliance against me; I’d rather it not involve bludgeoning me to death over some cute (Pudgey goodness!) photos of them while talking about how E. would hide in various corners in whatever store we happened to be in so she could poop in private (She was wearing diapers. I’m not that bad of a mother. When I remember to buy them).

Oops.

So! Here are some random thing about myself.

(I’m amazing at run-on sentences)

1. When I was younger, I wanted to run away with a pirate.
2. Preferably, an attractive one.
3. With all his teeth.
4. I still can’t sleep with my feet outside of the blanket.
5. I’ve never dreamt about getting married.
6. And I still don’t.
7. I get in a funk when I don’t have my hair red.
8. I just do.
9. There are certain articles of clothing I can never wear again because he loved them on me.
10. But I still haven’t gotten rid of them.
11. I feel like a traitor when I have to eventually throw away a pair of chucks.
12. I never want my girls to be normal.
13. I want them to be themselves.
14. Whoever that may be.
15. I’ve been in a few fights.
16. With both girls and boys.
17. I’m not proud.
18. Except for that time with the guy in South Carolina.
19. What? He grabbed my ass.
20. Music has the ability to break my heart.
21. But in the best possible way.
22. I used to be a singer.
23. I am told I was really great.
24. You mess with friends, you mess with me.
25. Understood?
26. I was fat until I was 17.
27. I was a virgin until I was 18.
28. No one rush to figure that one out.
29. When I love someone, they have all of me.
30. Unfortunately, that has yet to be reciprocated.
31. I have this all-consuming fear of being ordinary.
32. I make mistakes.
33. Lots of them.
34. I’m working on that.
35. I once broke up with someone because he told me I had too many books.
36. I drink far too much coffee.
37. No, seriously.
38. I’m not quite sure where I’m heading.
39. It’s the best/worst feeling in the world.
40. There are pictures floating around of me wearing a Princess shirt with glitter eyeshadow.
41. In overalls.
42. Shut up.
43. I have never cheated on a significant other.
44. I like to dip pickle chips in ketchup.
45. I was a child model.
46. It was short-lived.
47. I used to wait until my ex would go to work and then play video games all day.
48. In my underwear.
49. It was every bit as awesome as it sounds.
50. I still make forts.

September 12, 2010 Posted by | oversharing, random, stop talking, why am i still awake | 2 Comments

What Do I Get

So I’ve been trying out this whole internet dating horror show.

I know. Believe me, I know.

I haven’t gone on any dates since it seems the only guys I’m able to keep a conversation with are out of state. Go figure, yeah?

I don’t know why I decided to do it. I guess I’m just… lonely. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are like family and I’d do anything for them. Anything. All they’d need to do is ask and I’d come running. And I hope that despite not being able to hang out with them anywhere near as much as I’d like, they feel the same way.

This whole being a single mother gig is nothing like how I imagined it. But I was slowly finding my way through it. Then through a series of glaringly obvious bad mistakes, I found myself stuck without a job, pregnant (again), and with someone who I didn’t love. At all. Not to say I didn’t give it a go. I tried. I really did. Went so far as to half heartedly agree to marry him when I never wanted to get married. Not even to someone I love, least of all to him. But his problems and my unwillingness be the scapegoat, the fall guy for them, ended that pretty quickly.

Now I have my mother living with me so I can help her out, two children, a crap retail job, and money problems so bad that I can’t sleep at night.

All this to say that while there is a guy on that ridiculous dating site whom I could see myself really wanting to know, date, be with, I think I’m going to have to end it. I’m torn because of how well we get on. We’ve been talking almost every night for close to two months. He’s funny, sweet, has a daughter, sarcastic, completely inappropriate in all the best ways…

But it was stupid of me to think I could have the time and the state of mind to deal with one more person needing attention, needing me. Or have the stomach to give one more person the chance to break my heart. I’m still not fully over what happened between my first ex (whom I dated let’s see, not once, not twice, but three fucking times, despite knowing we’re no good for each other). I set myself up in every single relationship I’ve ever had. And I can’t do it again. Not with three people who rely on me to sort out all these messes that keep showing up.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this for everyone to see instead of just dealing with it on my own. I just needed to talk about it to someone/something before I completely lose it. And since this blank page doesn’t talk, doesn’t judge me and tell me how insane I’m being… it seemed like as good a place as any.

August 31, 2010 Posted by | awkward, bills bills bills, idiotic, oversharing, why am i still awake | , , , , | 3 Comments

Prologue

So I hear once you have a blog, and you open your fool mouth and start telling people about it, they expect you to, like, write in it or something. The hell?

I don’t have a sales point. I’m not looking to make money off of my ramblings (though I do have two pretty adorable girls with an open asking price, should the option arise).

Aside from selling my children and rambling about those damn kids on my lawn, I don’t have anything planned out for this space. Which makes it pretty exciting. Well, as exciting as a blank page and loads of anxiety about said blank page can be.

On with the show…

August 17, 2010 Posted by | awkward, why am i still awake | Leave a comment