HeyYouRed

the sandwich went to my head

We? Are NOT a team.

You used to clean up nice. Later, I would be lucky if the t-shirt you threw on wasn’t slept on by a cat.

I hated when you would call me “baby” or “sweetheart”. It always seemed like such a default.

Whenever I realized I was late calling you, I’d start agonizing over what you would say to me this time.

There are times I want to kick myself in the ass for ever getting lonely enough to talk to you that first night.

I tried to love you. I really did.

There just wasn’t anything there.

When I realized that I didn’t have any photos of the two of us together, relief was the resounding feeling.

I expected everyone to say “I told you so”. They didn’t. But they did listen. Endlessly. Thank you.

Every fight, I was waiting, wondering when that first punch was going to be.

Wondering if it would ever come was worse than if you would have just gone ahead and done it.

I cowed down to you for reasons that I haven’t been able to figure out yet.

I stood up to you for reasons I never should have lost in the first place.

Late night, injured, hysterical, drunk phone calls? No.

Stalking my every move that you can find? No.

Just because I left before your fist finally got sick of hitting everything/one else, doesn’t mean it wasn’t abuse.

You made me ask for money that you offered me. Promised me. Money that I did not ask for. That I did not want. That I would not have needed if not for you.

Looking back now, a tent on the corner of the street would have been preferable.

You took my friends.

You took my ideas.

You tried to take my identity.

Lucky for me, I’m a stubborn bitch.

You said things, did things, made up things (and continue to do so) that I refuse to waste any more thought or time on.

I walked away from them.

I walked away from you.

With a limp and a smile.

The only time you’re happy is when you’re the superior in the relationship. When you can make the other person feel inadequate.

Regardless of what you think, there was/is absolutely nothing I want to learn from you.

It’s taken me close to a year to get even marginally back to the person I was before I got tangled up in the mess that is you.

I finally see what I’m capable of.

That thread between us? The one and only thing we share? I’m making it my life’s goal that she is never made to feel, to think, that she is nothing. Miniscule. Worthless if not by someone’s side, obedient like a pet.

She will be better than you.

Better than me.

I am making sure that she will never be in the position that I was in with you.

Ever.

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September 25, 2010 Posted by | abuse is abuse is abuse, don't look back, oversharing, Uncategorized, why am i still awake | , , | 1 Comment

i want to take you far from the cynics in this town

For those of you who don’t know me, and therefore think I’m amazingly witty and charming, (Shh, you don’t have to say it. I know.) there’s a lot you don’t know. While as of now, I’m still kind of feeling this whole blog thing out and am more than willing to share things and embarrass the hell out of myself, I’m kind of iffy on what I’ll share about the girls.

E. is three years old (four in February) and F. is about nine months old (one in December). Since I’m already going to be hiding out in a closet with a carton of cigarettes and a fifth of vodka when they finally hit puberty and thus begin their alliance against me; I’d rather it not involve bludgeoning me to death over some cute (Pudgey goodness!) photos of them while talking about how E. would hide in various corners in whatever store we happened to be in so she could poop in private (She was wearing diapers. I’m not that bad of a mother. When I remember to buy them).

Oops.

So! Here are some random thing about myself.

(I’m amazing at run-on sentences)

1. When I was younger, I wanted to run away with a pirate.
2. Preferably, an attractive one.
3. With all his teeth.
4. I still can’t sleep with my feet outside of the blanket.
5. I’ve never dreamt about getting married.
6. And I still don’t.
7. I get in a funk when I don’t have my hair red.
8. I just do.
9. There are certain articles of clothing I can never wear again because he loved them on me.
10. But I still haven’t gotten rid of them.
11. I feel like a traitor when I have to eventually throw away a pair of chucks.
12. I never want my girls to be normal.
13. I want them to be themselves.
14. Whoever that may be.
15. I’ve been in a few fights.
16. With both girls and boys.
17. I’m not proud.
18. Except for that time with the guy in South Carolina.
19. What? He grabbed my ass.
20. Music has the ability to break my heart.
21. But in the best possible way.
22. I used to be a singer.
23. I am told I was really great.
24. You mess with friends, you mess with me.
25. Understood?
26. I was fat until I was 17.
27. I was a virgin until I was 18.
28. No one rush to figure that one out.
29. When I love someone, they have all of me.
30. Unfortunately, that has yet to be reciprocated.
31. I have this all-consuming fear of being ordinary.
32. I make mistakes.
33. Lots of them.
34. I’m working on that.
35. I once broke up with someone because he told me I had too many books.
36. I drink far too much coffee.
37. No, seriously.
38. I’m not quite sure where I’m heading.
39. It’s the best/worst feeling in the world.
40. There are pictures floating around of me wearing a Princess shirt with glitter eyeshadow.
41. In overalls.
42. Shut up.
43. I have never cheated on a significant other.
44. I like to dip pickle chips in ketchup.
45. I was a child model.
46. It was short-lived.
47. I used to wait until my ex would go to work and then play video games all day.
48. In my underwear.
49. It was every bit as awesome as it sounds.
50. I still make forts.

September 12, 2010 Posted by | oversharing, random, stop talking, why am i still awake | 2 Comments

What Do I Get

So I’ve been trying out this whole internet dating horror show.

I know. Believe me, I know.

I haven’t gone on any dates since it seems the only guys I’m able to keep a conversation with are out of state. Go figure, yeah?

I don’t know why I decided to do it. I guess I’m just… lonely. I don’t have a lot of friends, but the ones I do have are like family and I’d do anything for them. Anything. All they’d need to do is ask and I’d come running. And I hope that despite not being able to hang out with them anywhere near as much as I’d like, they feel the same way.

This whole being a single mother gig is nothing like how I imagined it. But I was slowly finding my way through it. Then through a series of glaringly obvious bad mistakes, I found myself stuck without a job, pregnant (again), and with someone who I didn’t love. At all. Not to say I didn’t give it a go. I tried. I really did. Went so far as to half heartedly agree to marry him when I never wanted to get married. Not even to someone I love, least of all to him. But his problems and my unwillingness be the scapegoat, the fall guy for them, ended that pretty quickly.

Now I have my mother living with me so I can help her out, two children, a crap retail job, and money problems so bad that I can’t sleep at night.

All this to say that while there is a guy on that ridiculous dating site whom I could see myself really wanting to know, date, be with, I think I’m going to have to end it. I’m torn because of how well we get on. We’ve been talking almost every night for close to two months. He’s funny, sweet, has a daughter, sarcastic, completely inappropriate in all the best ways…

But it was stupid of me to think I could have the time and the state of mind to deal with one more person needing attention, needing me. Or have the stomach to give one more person the chance to break my heart. I’m still not fully over what happened between my first ex (whom I dated let’s see, not once, not twice, but three fucking times, despite knowing we’re no good for each other). I set myself up in every single relationship I’ve ever had. And I can’t do it again. Not with three people who rely on me to sort out all these messes that keep showing up.

I’m not sure why I’m writing this for everyone to see instead of just dealing with it on my own. I just needed to talk about it to someone/something before I completely lose it. And since this blank page doesn’t talk, doesn’t judge me and tell me how insane I’m being… it seemed like as good a place as any.

August 31, 2010 Posted by | awkward, bills bills bills, idiotic, oversharing, why am i still awake | , , , , | 3 Comments

In Which I Am Kevin Arnold

So, here you go. A 10 minute long train wreck of me after losing 3 other videos. I’m normally much more charming and witty when not wanting to destroy the computer. Let the embarrassment begin…

You’re welcome.

August 26, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | 4 Comments

Eye Oh Ewe

I may have promised several dozen people on Twitter that there would be a video last night.

I also may have fallen asleep on my laptop while watching Michael and Fiona blowing things up all sexy like. If it’s any consolation, I totally drooled everywhere.

Heading into work now, but I swear to the almighty caffeine god, there will be a video tonight. And yes, it will more than likely be embarrassing. You’re welcome.

Also also: Send me some ridiculous stuff to talk about tonight ( I’m looking at you, Amato). Anything. Everything. I’ll perform for you like a little mechanical monkey with cymbals. Only, less furry. Most of the time.

August 24, 2010 Posted by | oversharing, stop talking, swearsies | , , , , | Leave a comment

August 2010 Playlist


Get a playlist! Standalone player Get Ringtones

August 23, 2010 Posted by | Uncategorized | Leave a comment

Technology Hates Me

So, I was planning on posting a video last night, but for some reason the program I recorded with isn’t good enough for WordPress. I made a few derogatory comments about it’s mother, and went to bed.

Tried several times again today to get this damn thing posted. Nothing.

Why you be actin’ like that, baby? I been good to you.

It’s really nothing even that special. It was a spur of the moment thing due to too many episodes of X-Files and boredom. Basically, it’s about 3 minutes of me trying to be witty and looking like a deer in headlights.

Anyway, for those of you still reading this, my hat’s off to you, sir/madam; because this post has no point except to say there will actually be a post with content. At some point. Swearsies.

August 21, 2010 Posted by | robot uprising | Leave a comment

99 Problems

I’ll start this off with the fact that I hate money.

I know. Everyone says that. Everyone, especially now, is having a fuck of a time. Bills have to be paid. Kids need diapers and food. Cars don’t run without gas. My problems in no way take more precedence than any other family trying to keep everything together. Trying not to sink under this never ending weight of feeling like you’re working your ass off, day after day, never seeing the people you’re doing it for, and for what?

The red envelopes still show up in the mail.

The phone still rings for an answer and your routing number.

The library remains the last outing that’s affordable. Though at this point, it resembles more closely a broken down sales outlet that barely captures the images of the place I felt was a second home.

I’m not writing this for sympathy or as a plea for help. I’m writing this because more than once, shit, more than i can count, I have felt utterly alone in this flailing to keep everything okay. Keep everything normal.  And I know there have to be others out there that feel the same way. Regardless of if they talk about it or not.

So, I’m throwing this out there. Feel free to comment and commiserate and bitch. Or, just read this and know that you’re not alone. There are others trying, pushing, shoving. And we’re all going to get out of this at some point. There may be some scars, but seriously, wear those motherfuckers with pride. This is warfare and you got out alive.

Besides, everyone knows war wounds are way cooler than tribal tattoos. *They can also get you free beer.

*Free beer not guaranteed.

August 19, 2010 Posted by | ...but a bitch ain't one, awkward, bills bills bills, obligatory rant, oversharing | , , , , , , , , | 4 Comments